Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

June 5, 1999

Wow! The headlines! Clinton Wins the Peace! Brilliant Strategy Pays Off! Is He Commander-In-Chief or What!

Actually, the only faintly positive headline was the NY Times' "Misguided Policy Appears to Have Unintended Results." So, we won, right?

Can't get no respect. President Rodney Dangerfield.

Even Texas Governor Bush, having a rare point of view, said they should have sent in ground troops. But that's the mistake they made at the Alamo.

In other news, Springer producer ends ground fighting; show bombs. What do they have now? A man with an eight-foot beard. Watching it grow. Come on, pull it! Two guys with beards, hopefully one is a cross-dresser -- pulling!

In religious news, The Vatican and Lutherans forge an historic agreement: Lutherans get bingo in the basement, Catholics get the Lefse Mass.

Al Gore gets religion -- actually Al Gore invented religion. Before the internet. He says he has an unshakable belief in, a personal relationship with, and just short of a sizeable donation to God.

Reform Jews say they will go back to traditional ways, including skullcaps, prayers in Hebrew and hunting gray whales.

On the heels of criticism of the stereotypically black character Jar Jar in Star Wars Episode I, comes the news that Episode II will feature "Ju-Ju."

Bob Dole takes back his pledge to John McCain, or so neighbors say he told Liddy through the door. And his Viagra is locked up in there, too.

Developers propose a casino at Chicago's O'Hare airport -- or you could just put $50 on whether or not they'll lower the flaps.

President Clinton names gay ambassador: I didn't even know they had their own country!

That's all the news that isn't . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman