Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

May 29, 1999

Congress has decided to double the President's salary and throw in a hundred million in personal liability insurance.

President Clinton is currently vacationing with Hillary Rodham in Yulee, Florida; selected as the one place in America without a clerk, car hop or check out girl under 55.

The bipartisan congressional report on Chinese espionage has less impact than expected, due, perhaps, to the fact that it's named after the co-chairs, Representatives Cox and Dicks.

The evidence trail suggests that the Chinese were rummaging through American nuclear secrets in hopes of coming across schematics for the one device which has thus far eluded them: the Furby.

Hillary Rodham has formed an exploratory committee -- this one to follow her husband around. Rumors of her seeking a divorce seem unfounded or at least impractical since all she would get would be half of Paula Jones' money. Formerly her blind trust. Hillary's blind trust is now deaf and dumb as well.

Hillary probably would have declared her Senate candidacy already if she could only get past the image of Bill with all those Senate wives at all those inevitable functions.

In Yugoslavia, some question as to what has become of the Allies of old -- true, the Italians want to capitulate and the French to accommodate, but the Germans seem to have entirely lost their taste for marching through Europe.

The restoration of Leonardo's Last Supper reveals that it was a brunch, plunging theologians into heated debate.

Spike Lee says he was kidding when he recommended Charlton Heston be "shot with a .44 bulldog." He should of course be bitten by his staff which has turned into a snake, engulfed by a burning bush, or called up to the mountain top to have God drop two stone tablets on his head. Or locked in a room with Rosie O'Donnell.

Doan's Pills have been told by the federal trade commission to eliminate their claims that they work for back pain, despite the fact that Carter's Little Liver Pills do not result in little livers and there is no Carter.

And finally, I pledge never to see "Star Wars: Episode One" just in case a control group is ever needed.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman