Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Listen in to the monologue from the May 22, 1999 show.

May 22, 1999

I see where they suspended human testing at Duke. Seems they were trying to perfect a basketball player that would stay beyond his freshman year.

They had some ethical problems at Duke -- they only did research on Tar Heels. Trying to find a cure, I guess.

"Tar Heel" actually comes from whatever you step into in parking lot number four at Raleigh-Durham airport.

You've got to feel sorry for Duke, losing its entire starting lineup. Back to the prequel, Episode I: Blue Devils: The Phantom Menace.

Sometimes you get the feeling ballplayers aren't in school for the education. They should at least get as far as graduate school so they'll have something to fall back on.

Maybe if students camped out in tent cities to get into Art History, or if crowds of 20,000-30,000 cheered seminars in Etruscan pottery things would be different.

Really, its time we got past this notion of college as an educational institution and got down to the real task at hand, competing with the NBA. #1: pay these guys. Pay 'em good. Maybe some of that rest-home money floating around the state. How can you compete with the NBA when all you're offering is a free pass to Zoology 101?

This rivalry between UNC and Duke makes Yugoslavia look like a minor misunderstanding at a bridge club. Now they've got rival medical establishments -- God forbid you have a Tar Heel condition and need a Blue Devil procedure.

Chapel Hill has become the place to go for gay marriages -- kind of a gay Reno. (singing) "Going to Chapel Hill and we're gonna get married . . ."

You can even get married by a Judy Garland impersonator at one of the chapels. I just hope the couples are prepared for the hardest challenge: being Methodist. Personally, I don't understand why gays would want to lose the major advantage they have: no marriage.

Could just forget the whole deal and fake a heterosexual union like the rest of us.

We've been here in Chapel Hill two days now and have yet to run into anybody from North Carolina. Mostly people around here are from New Jersey.

The growth has been tremendous -- the Research Triangle has grown so much that they now have LA style gridlock without the benefit of the occasional adjacent starlet in a Mercedes Benz convertible applying full body makeup. You can only watch a chemical engineer play with his pocket protector so long.

That's all the news that isn't . . .

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman