Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the May 15, 1999 show.

May 15, 1999

A gene found in roundworms may help humans to live longer. Some side effects of course: the inevitable slime trail, casings everywhere, somebody waters the lawn you're going to rise to the top -- but, on the upside, you'll have both sexes up and running, and if your spouse takes half of everything, it'll grow back.

Well, you need a sense of humus. Achieving immortality only to wind up in the bait cooler at Stop & Shop.

Humans and roundworms share a common ancestor -- Charlton Heston. Sometimes I can't believe it's the same guy who led us out of the desert.

Republicans come out in favor of the rhythm method of gun control -- a shot in the dark.

Explaining the mistaken Chinese embassy bombing, the Pentagon says the map they were using showed a gondola cable at those coordinates.

The Pentagon is like my wife -- can't read a map and it'd be too easy to use the phone book. The did, however, take the sign off the American embassy in Beijing, and now they believe they're invisible.

Goes to show you, bombs are only as smart as the people who drop them.

While rigor mortis sets into Al Bore, George W. is running away with Republican nomination. Well, it could've been worse. Could've been Jeb.

Jeb was an experiment -- the first Bush to actually be named like a Texan. Failed.

They had real trouble finding a state for Jeb. Lucky Florida turned up.

George W. actually comes from a state where there is a weak governor. They let him go to ribbon cuttings, but he's not allowed to hold the giant scissors. He dasen't touch the silver shovel.

Consequently, he doesn't have much of a legislative record, but reportedly looked damn good dancing nude on table during pledge week in college. Might even let him work the phones for public radio.

Elizabeth Dole's running a distant second. Whoever did her makeover got most of it. She's a walkin' talkin' honeycomb.

She got booed in New Hampshire for proposing gun locks -- the party faithful believe that the second amendment protects a child's right to accidentally shoot himself. Inferred, if not stated.

Plus -- for practical reasons -- how safe are gun locks when you're on the highway doing 90 on the shoulder trying to unlock a .38 with the key around your neck?

Larry Flynt got off with only 2 counts of pandering in Cincinnati--must have caught him before breakfast.

Cincinnati, mind you, where Jerry Springer was mayor.

Flynt copped a plea by agreeing to stop selling adult videos including Jerry Springer, Uncut. So there y'go. Whatever.

And looking to boost his appeal, Al Bore's new media adviser seeks to remake his image as Obi Wonk Konobe.

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman