Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

May 1, 1999
Road show from San Antonio, Texas

Let's hear it for the guayabera! I bought this shirt because I wanted to fit in, and Ed Leal, who works at the station, said he's only seen them on 80 year old men and Phillipinos. But Steve Colon, who's on our side, said his dad wears one in San Juan, and he's only 60.

They're great shirts--very forgiving, because you can wear them over your belt, and open up these little buttons on the side if if you want to look sexy. Kind of thin material, though: are my nipples showing? I get kind of excited in front of an audience.

Yo te amo San Antonio! I'm already on San Antonio time--we're broadcasting this show the manana after manana.

But, I gotta tell you, I almost didn't come down when I heard that they were breaking cascorones over people's heads during Fiesta. I thought they said cajones.

I'm indebted to my friend and local boy, Chris Plata, for telling me all I needed to know to fit in down here, the three "ch's:" chimichanga, chileando (chilling) and chopping.

It's a Jewish town, San Antonio (as the name suggests) that's why we're taping the show on a Thursday night--can't violate the Sabbath. Like I do every week.

Chimichanga, chileando, chopping, chews. It may just be that the Jewish Community Center is sponsoring us, but when you land at the airport, 3 Jewish ladies meet you with baskets of Jewish things, make sure you know how to drive the rental cars and that you're wearing seatbelts, and do a quick check of the vehicles for any single Jewish males. Then they wave you on through.

And when you look at it, there are many similarities between Jewish and Hispanic cultures. You have nachos, we have nachas, if we're lucky. We have unleavened bread, you have tortillas. You have tripe, we don't. You have guayaberas, we are wearing one.

You hear "Oye! Oye!" you don't know whether it's two Hispanics chatting or a Jew in trouble.

Even the Alamo story is very much like the Chanukah story. The Macabees lost, too. But not in the long run.

The Macabees even had a guy, Davy Kronski, who said, "You can go to hell, I'm going to the Negev."

How tired are you of hearing how small the Alamo is? But I had no idea it was 24 inches tall. No wonder it was so hard to defend. They would have been much better off at the Hyatt.

The Alamo is a beautiful spot to visit. It's very touching to go in and see what's been preserved. Not always what you'd expect--the Bowie spoon, for example. You always hear about the knife. All of the Bowie cutlery is there. And Davy Crockett's vest: whoo--loud! He needed a nice mint green guayabera.

The Daughters of the Republic of Texas are still defending the Alamo against the Daughters of the Republic of Mexico.

Originally there was more than one building--Los Alamos. Then the Chinese got the plans to the whole thing.

Now there's a controversy about the Mexican officer's diary which says that Davy Crockett was captured alive and executed. Not what people want to hear here. They bought the diary for the Universtiy of Texas where it will not be part of the lending library.

I don't know, maybe he didn't "kilt him a b'ar when he was only three." Still a hero, though. If he were William Jefferson Crockett he would've taken the deferment.

But what the Alamo did was to establish Texas character for all time. You know, "Don't mess with Texas." We tried to come up with something as threatening up north, but all we could think of was "Don't Wiz on Wisconsin." Nothing you'd want on a bumper sticker.

Let me get this straight--you guys are still the "Republic of Texas," right? As long as you've got Lackland, Ft. Sam, Randolph, Brooks and Kelly bases, no one's going to say a word. A bigger arsenal than your friendly neighbor to the north, the U.S.

We've come down to San Antonio during a bit of a lull--between Fiesta and the Cisneros trial.

Former mayor Henry Cisneros, accused of not paying off his mistress enough. Tried to lowball her. He gave her 250 thousand--Paula got 800 thousand, and that was for nada.

Lots to see and do down here, the new Rockefeller wing of Latin American Art at the museum, not a bad tradeoff for the Lone star brewery, the River Walk, where if you do happen to stagger into the river, it's just a short stagger out. Very pleasant-sort of like Bourbon street in New Orleans, if it were really filled with bourbon.

Only place I've ever been, though, where they drain the river for repairs-what do you repair in a river? But you can't have a mud festival without mud.

You've got the Alamodome. You've got the guy who owns the Minnesota Vikings. How long before they're the San Antonio Vikings? It'd take a little rewriting of history--the Vikings defending the Alamo--but it could be done!

That's all the news that isn't...

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman