Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

April 24, 1999

Researchers fail to find gay genes -- obviously they're shopping in the wrong stores.

George Stephanopoulos says Monica Lewinsky was after him, too, little realizing they were competing for the same man.

Gary Bauer becomes the first Hummel to run for President. We'll see how well he holds up to the handling. Remember: Lovely to look at/Pleasant to Hold/If you Drop it/We Mark it Sold.

NATO bombs Slobodan's house; unfortunately he was with one of Sadaam's mistresses at the time. Actually, it just looks like a bomb dropped -- he's a Slobodan. The only cleansing he does is ethnic.

Paleontologists discover a Neanderthal/Cro-Magnon love child. The first human to be self-conscious about his brow ridge.

This means that the Cro-Magnons did not eliminate the Neanderthals through violence but through the much more effective means of marriage. Millions of years of hearing "you didn't get that from our side of the family."

It's not known what the attraction to the Neanderthals was; that part of the fossil record has not been preserved. But they did leave some very large footprints.

Charlton Heston says the NRA will scale back its Denver conclave, including the youth outreach, "Shoot 'Em If you Got 'Em -- Responsibly."

Heston says the answer to school violence is to arm teachers. If your English teacher is packin', it really cuts down on those tardies. And let 'em try wearing hats in class.

And in New York, a man held for 20 years as a result of a torture, murder and cannibalism case has been freed; society has come around so far in the interim he is now considered mainstream.

That's all the news that isn't...

Were you cryogenically frozen during 1998? Well, don't fret, you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't,a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman