Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the April 17, 1999 show.

April 17, 1999

A new solar system has been discovered where the huge innermost planet is so close to its sun a year is just four days long - put up the storms, take down the storms; put up the screens, take down the screens; put up the storms. For Upsilon Andromedae I'd go with the combination windows.

The good news is, if you watch your saturated fats, you could live to 6,480. Of course women will live to 7,824 and take up with men not 5,00 if they're a day. The bad news is since the planet is 318 times heftier than earth, you'd need to slim down to 57,000 pounds or so if you're going to make it much past 6,000.

In other news, George W. raises $7.6 million for his Presidential bid in just 28 days - that would be in seven years around Upsilon Andromedae - not nearly so impressive. Of course, a Presidential terms there lasts about 350 years. Then its "350 more years! 350 more years!"

Running on a planet 20,000 times bigger than Texas ought to shut him up, though.

In still other news, President Clinton is held in contempt, this time it's official. Just civil contempt, though; those of us with spouses are used to it.

The judge is former law student of Mr. Clinton's who apparently didn't appreciate his grading curve.

The first American President held in contempt, unless you count all the others.

Dr. Kevorkian becomes the first person to be sentenced to prison for appearing on "60 Minutes." Always thought it would be Andy Rooney.

Ken Starr asks Congress to eliminate his job and potch him real hard on the tuchise with a paddle.

The Gores charitable donations go up from $353 to $15,000 in 1998. Tipper took a deduction for all the CD's she's reviewed for content.

Elizabeth Dole goes to the Balkans looking for Bob. Ever since the Viagra you can't even send him to the store.

Dennis Rodman is put on waivers by the Lakers - where's he going to work with those tatoos and hair? Stuckey's? Well, he still has Carmen Electra. What? Sorry to hear that. Boy, when it rains it pours.

Royal Dutch Airlines says shredding 400 squirrels is standard procedure. That's why they ask you, "have your squirrels been in your possession the whole time?" and "has anyone given you squirrels to take on board?" One employee mistakenly put the squirrels through a copier and that was even worse.

And Pamela Anderson Lee has her breast implants removed - looks like character roles for her. If she goes back to Baywatch she'll be running into the surf with two floats...

That's all the man what am, honey lamb...

If you're not tired of those 1998 reviews you can have a comic look at the year that was in Michael Feldman's 1998 Was A Joke....All The News That Wasn't, a collection of Michael's observations on all the news of 1998.

© 1999 Michael Feldman