Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

April 10, 1999

Third week of bombing in Yugoslavia; see what happens when Bill doesn't have an outlet?

Nice to know the Midwest will never get bombed - no clear skies. Plus, it's already level.

How come they call Sadaam by his first name and not Slobodan? Has as many comedic possibilities.

The Serbs have invited refugees back to their homes which they've graciously made maintenance-free.

Nobody seems to have a grip on this conflict. Senator John McCain has the most military experience, but that was as a prisoner of war.

Madeleine Albright, the personification of "your mother wears combat boots."

Monica Lewinsky says she misses having input during the Kosovo crisis. Giving foreign policy advice is the part of the job she really longs for.

Elizabeth Dole is going in front of 4,000 midshipmen at Annapolis; hope she doesn't try to do a Cher thing. Those outfits stretch, but there's a limit. She might do all right if they've been at sea for awhile.

She gets them to drop their bell bottoms and take their anthrax shots like men, she gets my vote.

The FAA says its new control tower computer system is three times slower than the Commodores they were using, but you can get web radio, streaming Dow Jones averages, and it can tell your refrigerator back home when to disgorge a Healthy Choice into the pre-heated oven. Especially handy if you have to stay late directing traffic around the crashes.

The Chinese didn't get the trade deal they wanted - American nuclear warheads for knock-off toys and shower clogs.

At Los Alamos they've discovered you can now e-mail nuclear secrets - no more messy pumpkins!

The Kennedy compound at Hyannis Port is now available for fundraisers at $100,000 a pop, but that's BYOK: Bring Your Own Kennedys.

Missourians still can't conceal their weapons - they're just too big!

Baseball's back. Albert Belle is 4 for 11,949,794.

Retired Packer Reggie White reveals he left the game because women reporters were ogling him in the shower, and he's just this short of a first down.

Bob Dylan and Paul Simon will tour together - the "Like a Passing Stone" tour. They promise to be done by 8:30 so you can get your Town Car out of the parking lot and be back at the condo by 9:30, the latest. Sounds of Silence? - Miracle Ear!

Poor Garfunkel, left at home filing his bunions.

Until we meet again for group sing at the Jewish Home for the Aged, that's all the news that isn't...

© 1999 Michael Feldman