Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

March 27, 1999

Nice to see the Germans bombing Europe again. Kind of nostalgic.

President Clinton says the only thing the Serbs understand is force, vows to kick their butts. Finally making up for that lack of military experience.

We're going to keep hitting them until they give up the TV rights to the war. Unless it's on TV, Americans don't believe it's a war.

If this is revenge for the Yugo, I think it's a little extreme. NATO is wondering why they haven't encountered more anti-aircraft missiles, simple -- they were made at the Yugo plant.

The Republicans accuse the President of using the bombing to distract from the Susan MacDougal testimony.

Speaking of which, Susan MacDougal says she can't remember what it is she was trying to forget. A country song lyric, perhaps.

Hillary leaves Bill home alone, but not before locking up all his cigars. Someone should get over there and lock him in his room -- the moon is nearly full.

Microsoft in its settlement tender to the Justice Department offers to put the Federal Government on the desktop screen. With its own error message. They can cut Bill Gates into a thousand pieces, but they'll all grow back. He's a computer virus.

A grand juror says she would have indicted President Clinton for perjury had she been asked, but concedes she would have slept with him had she been given the opportunity.

Canada creates a department to regulate alternative medicine. Apparently the moose urine and beaver scent sacs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

And Jack Kevorkian, acting as his own attorney, proves he can do for law what he's done for medicine.

That's all the news that isn't....