Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

March 20, 1999

Afraid the marriage might be in trouble - the wife says she wants to run for the Senate in New York.

A federal panel finds marijuana has medical benefits despite the fear that it might cause people to go on to harder diseases.

New life has been breathed into the Star Wars missile defense as Bill Gates offers to fold it into the Windows operating system.

They're quitting right and right from the Starr prosecution team.

Paula Jones and her husband have separated; apparently he tried to show her his, you know, and she ran out of the room. This time with a suitcase filled with $800,000.

Al Gore invented the Internet and he'll be in to fix the cable on Tuesday.

Bob Dole appears as the poster boy for erectile dysfunction. As I recall, his standing in the polls wasn't too high either. No word yet whether erectile dysfunction will be a plank in his wife's platform.

Probably could form a steering committee on the issue with Gerry Ford and Jimmy Carter, but I don't know.

Poor Bob; erectile dysfunction and Monica living right next door.

Real news: the Republicans come up with a piece of legislation, "The Patient Bill of Rights:"

1. You have the right to be sick

2. You have the right to keep any and all parts removed, and screen rights to anything that might make the Guinness Book of Records TV show

3. While you don't have the right to choose a doctor, tell us what you're looking for and we'll see what we have in back

4. You have the right to wait in an emergency room with an axe in your head for the first available intern and

5. You have the right to a second opinion - you're ugly!

That's all the news that isn't....

© 1999 Michael Feldman