Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

March 13, 1999

Firing a nuclear spy -- that's harsh. Possible union grievance there -- see your shop steward.

The Chinese now have "The Happy Family" nuclear device. Comes with the transparent noodles.

I'm not saying the Chinese don't have the technical capabilities -- on the other hand, they still haven't advanced to the cup handle. And they drink a lot of hot tea.

Currently the Chinese delivery system is a million guys in a line flipping the warhead one to the other, with the last guy on ground zero.

The U.S. is worried they'll flood the market with cheap knock-offs of American designer warheads.

In other news, George Junior's exploratory committee mistakenly opens him up, finds nothing and sews him back up again.

Elizabeth Dole declares she has to get out of the house now that Bob's got Viagra.

Not content to be "Mr. Excitement," Al Gore has seized the issues of bigger print on medicine bottles, van pooling, and better manure disposal. Would you really want to be remembered as the "Manure President?"

Ken Starr is under investigation. They're looking high and low for his sex life. You know any soiled garments will be his own.

Susan McDougal is back on trial. Still has 3 toenails left to pull.

The administration withdraws support for the independent counsel statute -- go figure!

New York is now seizing the cars of drunk drivers providing they can remember where they parked them.

And defending Wisconsin's plan to keep human organs local, Governor Tommy Thompson says that Wisconsin organs will not fit most recipients outside the state.

That's all the news that isn't....