Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

March 6, 1999

Monica says she felt like a piece of trash. Fortunately, she's being recycled.

I don't think the hair worked. When she pulls it back she looks like Penn of Penn and Teller. The difference being, you can't tell `er anything.

She said the President never discussed the wife and kid with her. I wonder, did he ever mention us? You know, the country?

Barbara Walters asked about the cigar business, but didn't follow up on it. Or maybe she couldn't say any more because it's part of the tobacco settlement.

She said the President is a good kisser -- at last, a legacy! The kissin' President!

She said she doesn't love him anymore. Well, what does it take?

Got in a good one, though, about letting Linda Tripp use her "fat closet," once she'd slimmed down enough.

Said she's absolutely through with married Presidents. What does that leave, Martin Van Buren? Her luck, he was gay.

In other news, George W. (Sonny Boy) Bush is preparing to run -- Monica, stay away!

He's promising an even kinder, even gentler nation. 1,500 points of light.

George W. is claiming inheritance rights to the Presidency, going back to the family's descent from an unregistered offspring of Charles II. They were promised the Americas to keep quiet about it.

George W, George X, George Y -- then they'll go on to the Henry's. Unless one of them marries a Hapsburg.

Liddy Dole waits until Bob ships out to Kosovo to run. Women these days -- the minute you turn your back they're entering primaries.

Pat Buchanan is running again; third time, still no charm. Buchanan's decided to seize power this time by conquering New Hampshire with his ragtag band of paramilitary pirates, Buchanan's Buccaneers. Mostly semi-pro paint ball guys who train on weekends.

Be a little harder in Iowa -- pretty much landlocked.

Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa report to spring training to prepare for disappointing seasons. First week of baseball camp is devoted to investment seminars; number one: why bars are a bad investment.

You can tell it's spring around here, the ice shanties are starting to fall into the lake. If a guy finds the air pocket, he can keep fishing.

In Japan, Viagra is approved --the land of the rising sun once again. Birth control pills are still not approved, though. The only birth control in Japan currently is Mt. Fuji.

Pediatricians take circumcision off the "things to do" list. Well, that's too little too late.

That's all the news that isn't....