Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

Listen in to the monologue from the February 6, 1999 show.

February 6, 1999

There was a bombshell in Monica's testimony -- she liked the hat pin best. Well, she should have used it.

She has mixed feelings for the President. Presidents. When they've had their way with you they always go back to their countries.

That's just how it is when love turns to impeachment.

The Senate is trying to wrap this thing up by Valentine's Day so that she won't have to run another personal ad in the Washington Post.

He was merely the highest up "Handsome" to respond.

Just the way things are going for Monica. First her testimony goes straight to video, then Ken Starr won't let her talk to Barbara Walters. Now word is Delta Burke is going to play her in the made for TV movie.

In a last ditch attempt to sway public opinion, the House managers agreed to let Barbara Walters interview Monica in the Senate. But the Democrats wanted Mira Sorvino.

The Big Three witnesses -- two Jews and a Black man. The Republicans weren't worried about alienating their base.

Even the "finding of fact" fell apart. Now it looks like acquittal, a new suit and a twenty dollar bill.

Asked about what he would do about the possibility of criminal prosecution while in office, the President said, "Pardon me."

But you can bet Ken Starr is not done with him yet: large packages marked "Acme" have been arriving at the independent counsel's office. Now it's just a matter of when the President will make his move on the shapely exploding female roadrunner decoy.

It's been a long time coming, but at least this trial is ending before we have an obstruction of the Chief Justice.

In other news, the Doles buy the Lewinsky apartment next door in the Watergate, tear down the wall and discover its filled with soiled dresses.

Physicists create the densest matter known by bombarding a particle with Fox broadcasts.

Jerry Falwell says the anti-Christ is "a Jewish man alive today." Howard Stern could not be reached for comment.

Jesse "the Body" Ventura ups the ante in the Celebrity Death Match versus Gary "the Kitty Boutique" Keillor, cutting off funding to public radio and asking to see his W-2's. Keillor responds with a folding chair to the head, to no avail.

Wisconsin comes in number one in overall alcohol consumption but only 43rd in cirrhosis, proving we can handle it.

And the abridged basketball season opens with Rockets at Lakers, Pistons at Heat, and Bulls at Holy Cross sophomore girls, where they looked surprisingly strong before folding in the last quarter.

That's all the news that isn't....