Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

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January 16, 1999

The House managers have prepared the Senate for the appearance of Monica Lewinsky -- they took up the carpets and put down tarps. Everything else got Scotchguarded.

Was that bad lawyers on parade, or what? Those who can litigate, do; those who can't run for Congress.

If you're ever doing an impeachment presentation, don't lead off with Jim Sensenbrenner. In his last case in 1975 he bungled a divorce so badly the couple stayed married. At what should have been the height of his argument I know I heard "time for Teletubby bye-bye. . ." but I was switching channels a lot.

I'm not saying his speech was cliche-laden, but if we do have a cancer in the body politic, let's not send in a lawyer to excise it. Wait 'til it's botched, then send in the lawyers.

Bob Barr kept a straight face, though, I'll say that for him. He was Flynted, you know. If the guy's a chick magnet, he sure doesn't show it.

Adding Larry Flynt to the system of checks and balances is something the founding fathers -- Jefferson aside -- never envisioned.

If anybody could make sex uninteresting, it was these guys. I mean, charts. Where were all the polyurethane models? The hand puppets? The banana and the condom?

After all, these are Senators you're trying to impress. Ted Kennedy's in the audience.

This was where Sonny Bono was so badly missed -- one chorus of "I Got You, Babe," would have spoken volumes.

The show was so bad, the networks canceled it after one day, and went back to Jerry Springer who at least knows who to put a little zing into the same topics.

Throughout this all, the President has kept busy, busy, busy. He's the Energizer President. His approach: spend as little time thinking about impeachment as he did committing the acts.

Taking care of the business the electorate sent him to Washington to do -- paying off Paula, for example. Did you read that about half of the $850,000 came from Hillary's blind trust? That'll teach you to be careful about where you place your blind trust.

The other half came from his homeowners policy, sending millions of Americans scuttling to review their coverage. Sure, a tree falls on my house, it's not covered -- an act of God. Paula Jones is not an act of God?

Still pre-empting us -- what, am I getting impeached? Public radio seems to be the only place where they believe that something nobody wants to hear can still be called "hearings."

In other news, I know a lot of you are upset having heard that Michael was retiring, but, rest assured, it's not me! It's some basketball player!

Michael Jordan is quitting basketball to join the pro-bowling tour.

Thank God he didn't lose his desire to endorse products.

I just hope that when he comes back this time, it's not as a 49 year-old with two or three feet off his jump. Pulling down nets around the NBA is not the way you want to be remembered.

Mike Tyson's back on the comeback trail, scoring his first victory since his suspension. He weighed in at 223 pounds -- apparently he's been nibbling a lot of sparring partners between bouts.

Mark McGuire's 70th home run ball sells for $3 million! What's the world coming to? That's nearly four Paula Jones's.

Bet the guy who sold the ball really feels like a jerk -- he could've gotten all that signed Cardinals paraphernalia instead.

In business, Lucent Technologies acquires Ascend Communication despite the fact that they form Loose End Technologies.

And, in pharmaceuticals, a drug company announces a quick-acting Viagra nose spray, "Vinocchio."

That's all the news that isn't....