Michael Feldman's -- All The News That Isn't

Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive.

January 9, 1999

Did you see where GM announced it was gearing up to produce a new model every 28 days? Brand new for January, 1999, the Buick Ovum!

I like the Ovum Sport Utility. Actually, I have 3 Ovums -- January, February and March, and they're all in sync!

And if you garage your Ovum with your Trans Am, Voila! A Geo!

GM also announced it would be producing solar powered cars just as soon as it wraps up a deal for the sun. They already own Saturn.

Overseas, Europe gets the Euro, England gets the Pean. With the adoption of the Euro, urologists are flocking to Europe.

In a setback, some Eastern European countries mistakenly adopted the Yugo as their currency. The new currency probably is a good development, but it's a shame you can no longer can go to Italy and feel rich with 10,000 lire in your pocket.

The impeachment madness continues. When it started to pre-empt our show, I knew it was getting out of hand. What, am I getting impeached? Have I committed high crimes and demeanors?

Chief Justice Rehnquist is the first Lutheran supreme court justice, so we assume he will run the Impeachment trial as a Lutheran circle: the outcome will depend on the number and type of hot dishes. Tuna casserole versus mushroom soup with green beans, versus macaroni....

What is with the four stripes on his outfit? Marching band? Amway? They shouldn't let them design their own robes -- look at Judge Judy with that Peter Pan collar peeking out.

After the spectacle in the House, it's reassuring to be able to turn to an august, sober, statesman-like body like the senate, or so said Caesar. To Brutus, I think, or possibly Trent Lott.

Actually, they want to move the President's State of the Union address to the Ides of March and hold it on the steps of the Senate where there would be, uh, more room. Tom DeLay is organizing the Toga party.

All over two itsy-bitsy counts -- not enough for Martin Luther to nail to a door without hitting his thumb.

I did like the swearing in of the Senate: "keep silent on pain of imprisonment" is an idea they ought to keep.

The debate over whether or not to call witnesses has been the hardest on Monica -- she hasn't known whether to binge or purge. And Linda Tripp will be damned if she's going to stick another two hundred dollars into her hair for nothing.

I, personally, don't think the President should be removed from office, I think they should just step over him.

Good idea, though, adding Larry Flynt to our system of checks and balances. There's one the founding fathers, Jefferson aside, never envisioned.

Larry Flynt has offered a million dollars for anyone who hasn't slept with Bill Clinton; so far, no takers.

In other news, a NASA probe was launched to Mars to look for water in an attempt to answer two nagging questions, "Can I have a glass of water," and "Are we there yet?"

Elizabeth Dole quits the American Red Cross; what does she want, blood?

Hillary Clinton May run for Senate from New York in a thinly-veiled attempt to get her own place.

In a closed-door session, the Senate decides they need Monica Lewinsky's oral testimony. The President has been promised more than enough time to present character witnesses.

And, in sports, the Milwaukee Bucks undefeated season is threatened as the NBA settles the lockout.

That's all the news that isn't....