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Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't
Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive of Michael's monologues.
Listen in to the 
monologue from the Saturday June 13, 2009 show.
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The market is somewhere between a bear and a bull---burial?The economy's stable---consistently bad.
Consumer confidence bats an eye, twitches. But that's involuntary.
Jobless claims are down since you can't claim a job you don't have.
The economy did perk up on news of a $300,000 parking space in Boston.
Not much better in Europe, where BMW cut back to BM. Hitler called in his Volkswagen shares.
At GM, end of Saab story. Saturn and Hummer are gone, now they just have to unload Cadillac and Chevy and go into undercoating full time. Post-market is where it's at.
Some good news for GM: the Russians are no longer bothering to target Flint, Michigan.
Clark Rockefeller now wishes to be addressed as Derrick Obama.
Treasury Department will hire temps to run banks. A big break for some personal bankers.
10 banks to return cash in unmarked sequential 100's in aluminum attaché cases.
Merger in place, it's now Fix It Again Chris. Look for the Chrysler Town and Wrong Country.
Fiat, which is Italian for Edsel.
Cash for Clunkers passes the House, and, in fact, pretty much describes the House. Push 'em in! Tow 'em in! Roll 'em in! No offer will be refused!
President Obama will sign the anti-smoking bill right after he sees a man about a horse. Checks on the pump house. Takes a look at the insulation in the attic.
If the President ever tips 160 you'll know he's quit smoking.
The President was in Green Bay where he signed onto the "put a Packer helmet on the bedpost and drink until you see two Packer helmets on the bedpost" health plan. Drink until Brett unretires again.
FDA approves schizophrenia drug for one out of two adolescents.
Iran's Revolutionary Guard vows to crush any velvet revolution, particularly crushed velvet.
Justice Sotomayor fractures right ankle throwing conservative bloggers into tizzy.
Some Guantanamo prisoners to be sent to Palau for remake of Hell in the Pacific. Halliburton's putting in a Dick Cheney All-Suites.
Sarah Palin now titular head of the Republican party after Newt, cut in half, grows back two rear ends.
Letterman, who thought the stalker was bad, returns home to find his bunny boiled after Dissing Sarah Palin.
Brett Favre signs with the Yokohama Carp, despite their being a baseball team.
Bart Starr will come out of retirement to lead the Minnesota Vikings.
New Orleans asks Chinese to keep Mayor Ray Nagin in quarantine.
China introduces a digital rival to the Dalai Lama, Wall-E Lama.
Unhappy Ending, the Chinese anti-pornography program, has already been installed in all People's Republic computers.
Angler hooks missile with Kim Jong Il still attached.
In a surprise, Kim names Rush Limbaugh "Beloved Comrade."
Spencer and Heidi renditioned to Gitmo.
The woman charged with accidentally killing one of France's richest men during sex play begs the family to cut her a little slack.
and Digital TV broadcast is like falling off an analog . . . .
© 2001 Michael Feldman
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