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Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't
Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive of Michael's monologues.
Listen in to the 
monologue from the Saturday August 16, 2008 show.
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The Chinese government gets the gymnasts' gold medals--the girls have to settle for gummi bears.They will let them bring their medals to show-and-tell, however.
Smart catching young women before they have body issues.
Turns out Sarah Brightman's voice during the opening ceremony was actually that of a 7 year-old Chinese girl who also won the gold in the uneven bars.
Personally, I want the fake ID concession in Beijing. A lot of the gymnasts were drinking at the disco the same night as their events.
The Olympics commission said next time they would borrow "You must be this tall" cutouts from local carnivals.The only event the Chinese did not go gold in is the Drive as Fast as You Walk trial.
In other Olympic news—
Goofy lookin' guy greatest athlete of all time.
French swimmer looks like Mssr. Clean.
Top-seeded American tennis players fall when forced to play on table.
John Edwards takes the brass.
Georgia drubs Russia in volleyball; Russians refuse to leave beach.
In news news---
Despite cease-fire, Russian troops advance on Atlanta, led by General Shermanoff.
The only good news to come out of this is that with Russian spammers occupied with Georgia, I've had hardly any inquiries as to my penis.
President Bush to punish Russia by no longer saying nice things about Putin's eyes. And, all Russian brides purchased online will have to be returned.
McCain chants "we are all Gregorians."
Obama advises Georgians to inflate tires prior to fleeing.
Unabomber upset his cabin's gone condo.
Georgia man claims he has Big Foot hit by Russian tank.
Edwards says it's not his, but you should see the head of hair on that baby.
House Speaker Pelosi admits she'd be open to a good drilling.
McCain to speak at Ralph Reed's confirmation.
New Bush edict says everything is endangered therefore nothing is.
First to go--spotted owls, many of whom are registered Democrats.
Hillary will not deliver the keynote but will sign for Obama during his acceptance.
Her name will be put in nomination, but will lose after an acrimonious process full of recrimination.
Neil Diamond comes back with "Cherry, Cherry" as "Pit, Pit."
Republicans mistreating Doberman to replace Rep. Tom Tancredo.
Russians occupy Brighton Beach saying it is part of the breakaway Republic of Brooklyn.
Musharref resume on Monster.com.
Cindy McCain injures hand reaching into medicine cabinet John was slamming.
And tabloid style "Obama Nation" says that Obama was not even on the swift boat, that he was six years-old and a non-swimmer, and thus could not have possibly rescued a sailor from PT-109 . . .
That's All the News That Isn't . . .
© 2001 Michael Feldman
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