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Michael Feldman's--All The News That Isn't
Read on for this week's monologue, or check out this year's archive of Michael's monologues.
Listen in to the 
monologue from the Monday November 17, 2008 show.
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ALL THE NEWS THAT ISN'T...- Both Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Palin need to get over it.
- Sarah Palin is like an ex-girlfriend who won't disappear.
- She jumped out of a cake at the Republican Governors' Conference and got only a few subdued hoots. Next stop: Desperate Hockey Wives on ABC.
- Turns out she did know that Africa was a continent but didn't want to flaunt it.
- President-elect Obama visits the White House after a silly misunderstanding about going around to the back.
- The Bush's and the Obama's posed on the portico for a Christmas card to die for.
- Inaugural tickets are going for $40,000 a pop for white folk.
- Expecting such a huge crowd they're holding it at Yasger's farm in Woodstock. Where jet planes will turn into butterflies in the first Obama initiative.
- Reverend Wright will be hog tied to prevent him from administering the oath. It's not so much the administering as the oath they're worried about. The Ayers dude has been confined to Highland Park.
- Hillary Clinton eyed as Dean of Women in the Obama Administration, a job Bill wanted desperately. Bill will have to settle for Galoot-At-Large.
- AIG spends 20 million on butter sculptures alone for their next affair.
- Next round of bailout billions will go directly to offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands. Trying to get the Caymans moving again.
- Won't be buying up all the bad mortgages after all. I thought buying bad assets was counter-intuitive.
- President Bush appoints Forrest Gump to oversee the bailout because life is a box of chocolates, and you've got to squeeze each one and put it back in the box.
- Auto makers told to thumb it.
- In Minnesota, a compromise will send Stuart Smalley to the US Senate. Because, gosh darn it, people like him.
- Obama to convert Gitmo into duty-free shops.
- Gay Californians wish they all could be Connecticutters. Ellen's taking a job at Hartford Insurance.
- Council of Bishops refuses to take Barrack Obama off the Pagan Baby list.
- Same-sex polygamists protest outside Mormon temples.
- Paranoia rates plummet as Americans realize people were out to get them and did.
- Pregnant guy is again you know guys and birth control. Some rumors that John Edwards is the mother.
- Team of licensed plumbers launched to the International Space Station to install a urine-purifying Mr. Pee-Pee.
- Study finds men with spare tires most in danger of flat.
- And, President Bush says his banner in retirement will read "Fishin' Accomplished"...
That's All the News That Isn't...
© 2001 Michael Feldman
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