Check out Michael's March 5 column for Slate entitled "Me on Me on Garrison Keillor."

Proposed Airline Passenger Bill of Rights
©1999 Michael Feldman

Airline Passengers have the right:

1. Not to be given a seat belt demonstration.

2. Never again to hear the phrases "full and upright position," "contents may have shifted during flight," "in the unlikely event of a water landing," the growing list of forbidden electronic devices, or the unintentional ironies of "your nearest exit may be behind you" and "or wherever your final destination may be."

3. Not to be crammed in any further unless packed in oil.

4. To see the end of the blatant practice of putting the good-looking flight attendants in first class and the admission that flight attendants are not there for our safety but are, in fact, flying waitresses.

5. Not to have to watch every movie we've been trying to avoid simply because we are either unwilling or unable to remove the emergency hatch and exit the plane.

6. To remain ignorant of which cities in Indiana we are flying over or near.

7. To be cut a little slack should they finally crack when the lug in front of them fully reclines into their laps and they attempt to strangle the lug with the cord from the air-phone.

8. Not to hear about the life or times of the person seated next to them unless they be damn interesting.

9. Not to be expected to believe they're still sitting on the tarmac because the pilot "still has a little paperwork" to do. If the engine fell off, we can take it.

10. To know how many passengers have admitted their bags have not been in their possession the whole time or who have said, "Yes I've been have given a bag by someone else." If the figure is zero, discontinue the practice.

What Did I Know?

Read through Michael's previous witty insights!

What Do I Know? Father's Day
What Do I Know? The Internet Junkie
What Do I Know? The Crew
What Do I Know? Ellie, the Independent Counsel
What Do I Know? The Band
What Do I Know? The Staff
What Do I Know?